yourdailylocal
Dear Editor,
It took me a long time to realize that my frustration in some relationships, both personal and professional, was half my fault because I didn’t speak up.
My thinking was that I was being kind, patient, understanding – “virtuous.” It took many more conflicts, both internally with my stubborn self and externally with others, to realize and accept that the choice to “be good” actually enabled destructive behaviors and deteriorating relationships. Feeling guilty for feeling angry (without knowing I was angry until others told me) seemed a sign to me that I was in the wrong, until the dysfunction stopped. All I had to do was speak up — honestly, objectively and without rancor.
This is me finally speaking up.
Change is an inevitable part of life.
We have all heard that saying. It’s also the only constant we all can count on. “Change” can often be a difficult thing for everyone to accept. No matter how big or small, many of us fear change. It happens whether we are ready for it or not. We can’t avoid it and we can’t stop it. We can try, but what’s the point? It’s going to happen whether we want it to or not. I know this sounds fatalistic, but hear me out until my point at the end.
“Change” takes the form of many shapes. The worry in a high school senior getting ready to graduate and unsure of the future that lies ahead is an inevitable change all our children must confront eventually. The family member, like my husband, who stumbles when asked what he would like to eat, only to order the same thing he has ordered the last ten times, is being afraid of change. Change runs ramped through a small town. Buildings come and go, people move away (and hopefully come back years later), and landscapes we have seen for years can suddenly shift (in a roundabout kind of way). We experience changes in trends. What’s hot in fashion today might not be hot tomorrow. The “retro” style of my baggy pants with giant holes in them, from the 90’s, should stay tucked away…no one wants to see that! From moving to another city, ordering a different meal, landscapes shifting, and the ebbs-and-flows of population, change is not something to be afraid of or think is bad. In many ways, change can bring good! What makes the difference is how you choose to respond to change.
One of the secrets of living successfully is to learn to handle the changes coming our way. Everyone handles change differently. I can honestly admit that sometimes I do not handle change well. Some people find it easy to “go with the flow”, while others struggle immensely. Dealing with change isn’t about the change itself, it’s about our reactions to it. You can choose to stay stuck or use change as a steppingstone towards growth.
Maybe, for you, the mere sound of the word “change” is upsetting. Maybe, it’s time for us to CHANGE the word “change”, instead calling it a “pivot.” “Pivoting” puts us in motion, moving us toward a new development. As Socrates suggested so long ago, we should be actively looking for answers, putting our energy toward building on the new instead of fighting the old. Just because “we have always done it that way” doesn’t make it right. When we are required to rethink a situation, pivoting is a perfect way to look at that change. It’s reframing the idea of change into action.
I, for one, do not plan on surrendering to change by just lying down. I won’t be complacent. I won’t let my fear of the unknown render me motionless in moving forward. I intend to act. I plan to push, prepare, prioritize, proceed, ponder, produce, persevere, and pivot. Pivoting means we are alive and moving forward. We can choose to act, instead of react. To ACT is to choose your behavior based on your own needs and desires. To REACT is to allow outside influences to choose your behavior for you. The truth is, we often react without thinking. It’s a gut reaction, often based on fear or insecurities, and it’s not the most rational or appropriate way to respond.
Unfortunately, I reacted recently, and I’m not proud of how I handled that situation. Responding, on the other hand, would have been taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason and cooperation. Something I did not do. I thought what I was doing was for the betterment of many, not just myself. I thought I was “being good” when all I was doing was enabling destructive behaviors and deteriorating a relationship. Now, I just feel guilty for feeling angry. I weathered the crisis, and maybe I will look back years later and pick this event as a significant turning point.
Crisis can be a danger that weakens or destroys us. Or crisis can be a growth opportunity. The choice is ours. You might be surprised at what happens when you accept change. If you consciously accept a challenge, instead of running away from the uphill battle, something wonderful can happen. Change can be the catalyst for something bigger. Change can make you grow; it can transform you. Change forces choices.
If we embrace change, we’ll find the positive in it. But remember this, it’s all in where we choose to put our focus. Even change that hits us in the side of the head with enormous force or the change that blindsides us with no warning can be full of growth opportunities — if we choose to look for them.
The point I’m trying to convey is this, change is life. Successfully dealing with change means choosing to grow and develop (continuously). Failing to grow is failing to live. Realizing this now, this could be the best “pivot” I could make at this point in my life.
Sincerely,
Savannah L. Casey
Warren
